Based on clinical and research literature, the table below is a helpful guide to some of the things one should or should not say when arguing with a spouse:
| Do |
Don’t |
| Focus on resolving the problem |
Focus on winning the argument |
| Discuss a specific problem |
Attack the entire relationship |
| Stick to the present as much as possible |
Bring up a list of past grievances |
| Focus on behavior not character |
Make the problem about your partner’s personality flaws |
| Clearly state your own feelings and thoughts |
Expect your partner to read your mind. Stop talking out of pride. Refuse to admit that your partner “got to you” |
| Accept responsibility for your own contribution to the problem |
Defensively refuse to acknowledge any contribution to the problem, invalidating your partner’s every point |
| Acknowledge the other person’s feelings |
Invalidate your partner’s emotional experience |
| Suggest solutions |
Expect your partner to “fix it” or “change” without specific suggestions |
| Invite the other person’s suggestions |
Insist on dictating the solution |
| Keep the problem between you and your partner |
Bring other people into the argument, declaring how many friends and family agree with you |
