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Becoming a zombie survivalist

Let’s be honest here – if you are doing nothing to prepare for the zombie apocalypse, your chances of surviving more than three months in a nation overrun by the dead are extremely small – in fact, it’s less than 0.005%. That’s a fact.

If these facts tell us anything, it’s that you’d better change your mindset and start preparing for the zombies now. Either that or become a drunken millionaire pilot who has been given haemorrhoids by Satan after slipping in the shower and whose plane fell to pieces just before he was canonised.

Before lurching into depression, it’s worth noting that moderate changes to your lifestyle and circumstances can drastically improve your chances of survival. For example, simple factors such as keeping a Bug-Out Bag of supplies handy, keeping fit and reading up on the walking dead, can all start to decrease the likelihood of you becoming a cheap meat snack in the first few days. Your aim is to be one of the zombie survivalists to make it through. And, right here is where you have to start. You need to address four key areas to be the complete zombie survivalist.

What are my chances of:

1 in 25

Getting haemorrhoids

1 in 117

Being on plane with a drunken pilot

1 in 215

Dating a millionaire

1 in 2,232

Fatally slipping in a bath or shower

1 in 7,000

Being considered possessed by Satan

1 in 20,000

Surviving the zombie apocalypse without preparation

1 in 10,000,000

Dying from parts falling off an airplane

1 in 20,000,000

Odds of getting canonised

1 in 43,000,000

Being hit by a burning meteor

1 in 52,000,000

Being killed by a falling fridge

How to be ‘Zombie Street Smart’

In later chapters, you will learn how to defend yourself against the dead, but there is much you can do before the dead rise to ensure that you are mentally prepared for the challenges ahead. Any formal military, outbound or firearms training are obvious choices as are camping, cooking and gardening as key subjects that will help you survive. It’s also important that you start to develop a survivor mentality – that you become Zombie Street Smart. No survival book will teach you how to be Zombie Street Smart. Sure, you can learn about the threats and look for the right signs, but true zombie awareness is about maintaining that level of vigilance at all times. Here are some pointers:

  • Know your neighbourhood. Always think about where zombies could be lurking and how to get home safely.
  • Always keep your eyes open – never walk along listening to music or you may miss the moan of an approaching zombie.
  • Always have an escape route – no matter where you are, at work, on the train, at the store – remember how you came in and have an alternative escape route.
  • Be on the lookout for signs of the zombic condition – grey skin, milky eyes, feverish and with an unhealthy interest in eating the flesh of others.
  • Tell as many people as you can about the threat of the zombies. Who knows, you might save someone’s life?

As you become more Zombie Street Smart, you will start to develop what zombie preppers refer to as a ‘hyper awareness’ of anything zombic. You’ll find you’re always watching for those tell-tale signs and start to see the walking dead around every corner.

10 Signs You are ready to be a zombie survivalist

As your training progresses and you learn new survival skills, you will acquire ‘rep’ or a reputation amongst the zombie survival community. You’ll find that other experts will willingly share their experience with a fellow enthusiast. However, as others find out about your curious training regime, some at work or school may begin to treat you as a bit of a ‘nut’ or ‘weirdo’. Do not let this put you off – you’ll have the last laugh when these individuals are being mauled by zombies and you are safely barricaded in at home.

  1. You have become known at work as the ‘zombie guy or gal’.
  2. You’re actually quite looking forward to it all kicking off so you can try out your kit.
  3. Work colleagues see flu, you see possible zombie virus when someone turns up at work with a slight fever.
  4. When booking holidays, you think carefully about the impact if you are caught abroad.
  5. You spend more than two hours a week on your homemade zombie monitoring graph.
  6. Your kids have mini Bug-Out Bags to take to school.
  7. You think of Dawn of the Dead as a training video.
  8. You scan the TV channels for anything zombie related.
  9. You had a serious discussion with a friend in which you tried to convince them about the threat.
  10. When in the DIY centre, you see possibilities everywhere for ramping up your home defences.
Areas to address
Area 1

You must want to survive. If you can’t survive without the latest slice of reality TV, you may as well give up. With the world going to hell around you, you need to be 100% convinced that you want to survive and prosper. This is known as the ‘survival mentality’ and you can’t order it online.

Area 2

You must understand the threats you face and seize any opportunities. Know your enemy, their tactics and weaknesses. Review the likely impact on your country and local area and plan accordingly. Read reliable outbreak accounts and become familiar with how things pan out when the dead come to town.

Area 3

Knowledge must be supported by practical experience. Obviously, it may be hard for you to find zombies to practise your fighting skills on, but there are plenty of outdoor survival, first aid and gardening courses available for you to acquire invaluable experience before the dead turn up.

Area 4

You must have a monitoring system up and running at all times. Monitor the news channels, the internet and stay in touch with fellow zombie survivalists to keep an eye on events around the world. People you may once have considered ‘nuts’ may become some of your best friends as you make your way through the ‘zombie preppers’ world.


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