This home survey was developed in conjunction with the Home Builders Association of America, the British Building Standards Group and the Irish Institute of Construction. You should print a copy and try to approach your home with ‘fresh eyes’. It is important to get inside the mind of a zombie and imagine their attack points. Try wearing a yellow safety hat and use a clip board when you are completing the work to give you that ‘official’ look.
Walk methodically around your home ‘scoring’ against the various criteria on the form. If necessary, hire an expert to complete the survey. A completed Zombie Home Preparation Audit is the place to start in zombie home defence, regardless of the score.
Each home or location starts with 100 points and points are deducted for each risk assessed. You can improve your home score over time by mitigating a risk. We have included some examples, but feel free to deduct more points for any other extra hazards. Be harsh with your scoring.
Complete the form, but do not be alarmed if the results are poor at first. If you score zero in some categories you may wish to move on. For example, if you are next to a hospital or in an unsuitable rented property then consider moving immediately.
On completing this assessment, your first action should be to prioritise a list of measures to improve any future assessment. Remember that you should not start spending serious money on bulking items such as underground water storage tanks while forgetting about areas such as double-glazing and essential roof repairs. Get the basics right first then develop your property.
Final note on home defence: it’s not all about the zombies. With the zombie apocalypse will come armies of looters and unmentionables. So, if you are sitting in a superb zombie fortification that everyone knows about, be prepared for them paying you a visit. It may be worth making any improvements in secret and even giving your home that ‘worn out’ look to fool any would-be human attackers.
They say there’s ‘no place like home’ and if you get your preparation right, you will have made a major step towards surviving the zombies so approach the whole audit process seriously and with the knowledge that detailed and critical observation now could prevent one of your loved ones becoming a snack for the ghouls.
Originally, the Zombie Home Preparation Audit was meant to be completed by trained professionals to form part of a Home Information Pack whenever a residence is sold or let, but changes in government policy in both the USA and UK have meant that you now need to complete this work yourself. The information below offers some general advice based on your score. Remember, these are generic guidelines as every home is different.
If one ‘area of investigation’ scores zero and there is no practical way to mitigate the risk then consider moving as soon as possible. For example, you may live next door to a high-risk site or a prime looting location, in which case, it’s time to start packing.
You and your family are in serious danger of being a cheap meat snack the moment the dead arrive. There are just too many holes in your zombie defences. If you can’t improve the situation, move.
A reasonable score for a first assessment but where you have identified areas of improvement, make those changes now. For example, the kids may be unhappy now when you brick up their bedroom window, but they’ll be pleased later when they can play in peace with the zombies stuck outside.
A great start. Either you have made some improvements already or you have bought or rented a property very wisely. Build on your current defences and keep it up. You have a good chance of surviving the initial chaos so keep going and always look for ways to take things to the next level. For example, could you convert that rockery into an M-60 machine gun pit? It’s just a suggestion.
You’ve given yourself a real chance of survival, but are there any small improvements you could make? Equally, always be careful that your home is not too obvious in its defences. If you run around the neighbourhood boasting of the zombie robustness of your home – guess where everyone is going to head for when the chaos starts? Any secure home fortress that is too obvious will be an advert to every desperate survivor out there who won’t think twice about scooting in there while you are in the garden and locking you out.